I'm writing this not for attention or sympathy or concern. I don't need you to feel bad, think of me, comment or pray or any of the things you may think will help.
But I do want to talk about where my life has been and how it makes me feel.
I don't want this life.
I spent the last eleven years of life in a relationship with somebody who cared less and less about me each day. Every day she stripped away a thing we did together, picked a new fight, took less interest in things.
Over the course of the relationship she had chased off all of my female friends, the only friends I would have said were "real".
After eleven years, she cheated on me and kicked me out. So I moved to a new city. I figured this would be a new start. I could find friends and love and replace all my empty spots in my life.
But the more I try, the deeper those holes get. See, you can't go talk to people you don't know when you're alone. You come off as creepy or desperate. It's a never ending cycle.
So I figure why not try dating sites? Match, tinder, OkCupid, bumble. I go in with a positive attitude. I tell jokes, we laugh, I act like a gentleman.
I'm the past five months I've been on a long string of first dates and not a single second date. I've been ghosted more times than I can count. I've been constantly invited to donate to adult web cams by robots pretending to be interested females. I've fallen prey to apparent sociology experiments from behavioroligy students... and I'm exhausted.
I'm sick and tired of trying to be nice and genuine, only to be not just turned down but outright ignored. Hundreds of dollars in dinners and drinks and not even a new friend to show for it.
So here I sit. In the dark, in the heat. Poorer in money, resolve, confidence. Venting my frustrations and sorrows out into the hollow, unflinching blackness of the internet.
To what ends? To say I spoke my piece, I guess. To do what I can to try and climb out of one of these craters that were once my social life.
But it doesn't change the fact that all joy has been sucked from my life. I'm never happy anymore. A life of solitude is not for me. I want it done.